The Muppets' Unwanted
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Robin wants to know his parentage, and Uncle Kermit isn't telling. A sympathetic Gonzo helps Robin break into the Muppet Archives to get the answeres. What they find changes everything. Meanwhile, Sam Eagle and Inspector Napoleon reunite to catch a serial killer. The victims are all Muppets, and that's not all they have in common... (Mild Adult Content. More info inside.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is not for small children. It will still be pretty tame, to stay in-character for the Muppets; but there will be **_**more**_** raunchy humor and death than you'd ever see in a real Muppet movie. **

**Aside from lots of murder and a tiny smidgeon of sex, what else can you expect from this story? Lots of Robin, lots of Gonzo, lots of Rizzo, Camilla, Pepe, and other Muppets who've been underused in the latest two movies. The Gonzo/Rizzo friendship will be featured heavily. A few characters from the new Muppet movies will appear, like Walter, Constantine, and Inspector Napoleon. There will also be cameos and references from all over the Jim Henson universe, and anything else Muppet-esque. (Expect to see ties to "Sesame Street," "Labyrinth," "The Dark Crystal," "Crank Yankers," and "Avenue Q.") **

**WARNING: Some brief sexual content in this chapter, but probably won't persist throughout the story. The entire story, however, will feature several character deaths. **

**I do not own the Muppets, or any other series or celebrities included in this story.**

* * *

Red, pink and white balloons decorated the streets outside the Muppet Theater, swaying in time to the music that echoed from inside.

It had started off as an ordinary day, cleaning the studio and rehearsing, until Piggy had reminded everyone that it was Valentine's Day. Then, without missing a beat, the entire Muppet troop had fallen into a musical number, singing in praise to all the different kinds of love that should be celebrated. Maybe the first third of the number had revolved around romantic couples like Kermit and Piggy and Gonzo and Camilla. This was followed by several cute verses between platonic friends (Kermit and Fozzie did a short Blues Brothers reenactment, and Rizzo and Gonzo had a segment that bordered on "gay," especially when Rizzo kissed Gonso's nose). Then Kermit and his nephew Robin sang a verse or two about family. The Muppets soon exited their theater and took their number onto the streets, singing alongside shopping couples, and venders selling heart-shaped treats. It was overall a very adorable song, one which would have looked great in a movie or TV special, but not so good in a written fanfic.

By the time they'd finished singing, the sun was starting to set.

"Hey, what time is it?" Walter, the newest member of the cast, craned his head up at the darkening sky.

"Oh wow!" Scooter exclaimed, checking his watch. "It's 7:00! Work day's over! Man, that day sure went fast."

"Huh," Rowlf, the piano-playing dog, shook his head. "I've gotten lost in my music and lost track of time before, but today's gotta take the cake."

"Hey man," said Floyd, the hairy sunglass-sporting guitarist. "I lost an entire month once, when we were touring London!"

Fozzie looked around frantically. "So, so what do we do _now_ Kermit?"

"Well, uh…" Kermit's face contorted thoughtfully.

Piggy leaned in on her frog. "_Hooow abooout_…we go out for a romantic dinner, maybe a boat-ride, and then finish Valentine's Day at a nice hotel?"

Kermit's face relaxed, as he considered this.

The rest of the Muppets exchanged glances. Floyd and Janice seemed to like the idea. Camilla clucked some quiet suggestions into Gonzo's ear. Pepe threw up all four fists enthusiastically, and began rambling about a pool party with "the womens!"

Walter looked at the ground. "I don't have anyone to go to a hotel with."

"Why don't we get a room," Scooter suggested. "I've got video games, half a case of Mountain Dew, and the first three seasons of 'Game of Thrones!'"

"That sounds like a lot of fun!" Water agreed. "Valentine's Day isn't just about romance after all, it's about friendship too!"

"I love Game of Thrones!" Kermit's nephew Robin said eagerly. "Can I come too?"

"Yeah," Kermit said awkwardly. "Yeah Robin, I think you'd _better_ spend the night with Scooter and Walter playing video games. Piggy and I, we could use some time alone."

"Sure thing!" Scooter said cheerily. "Who else wants to come? Clifford, you game?"

Clifford, the purple Jamaican catfish, shook his head. "Naaaw, I'm spendin' V-Day with my girlfriend tonight. You guys have fun." Clifford flipped out his cell phone and called his mystery lover—the girl who no one ever saw, or even knew the name of. "Hey Baby, how 'you like ta spend Valentine's Day at a _four-star hotel_…!"

* * *

The Happiness Hotel is most well known in the United Kingdom, but since gaining a small bit of fame in a Muppet mystery movie in the late '80s, the chain expanded to other countries. By a remarkable coincidence, this American location was managed by Pops, the same old Southern American Muppet who'd sat behind the counter of the English hotel all those years ago. Pops welcomed the Muppets couple-by-couple, group-by-group, and listed the three payment methods to each of them. (Most chose "C.")

By ten o'clock, the only Muppet not at the hotel was Animal, who had been chasing human women through the streets since the opening number. Animal finally returned, panting and heaving, having given up on his conquests and ready for a rare bit of sleep. He hurried in through the hole in the wall that the Electric Mayhem's bus had created three hours earlier, and rushed over to the counter.

"Can ah help you?" Pops offered.

"Need…room." Animal panted.

Pops chuckled. "Yer welcome to any room you can find! The only spots I can grantee are open at this point are the elevator, the staircase, and the parking lot."

Animal's face fell, and he shook his head. "Want room," he muttered, turning to leave.

"Hey there Animal, how you fixin' ta pay? Credit Card, Cash, or Sneak out from Middle of the Night?"

Animal's eyes popped wide open, as he realized he'd almost forgotten to pay. He looked around the lobby for some options. A few Electric Mayhem members lay scattered around the bus, which was parked by the staircase. His eyes fell on Zoot, the blue saxophone player, who sat snoring on the van's hood. Animal hobbled over and pulled Zoot's wallet out of his jeans. Returning to the desk, he growled, "Cre-dit Card."

"Aaaall righty!"

After paying, Animal hurried up the creaking staircase, his chain dragging behind him. His eyes moved up and down the hall of closed doors. It was impossible to tell which rooms were occupied, and so—in Animal's mind at least—there was only one logical way to find out. He picked a random door, and thrust his entire body into it, knocking it opened.

Inside, on an old fold-out bed, were Kermit and Miss Piggy. Piggy's back was to Animal, and it was bare. She bounced up and down, her golden curls flying, as she squealed, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Kermie!" Kermit, lying on his back, arched his head and yowled in ecstasy, "_Waaaaaaaaa_!"

Animal slammed the door shut. He shook his head, doglike, trying to toss the image from his mind.

Any other person would have proceeded with more caution. But Animal was a slow learner.

He threw the next door opened as quickly as the last. Gonzo was stretched across the back wall, lashed to a large, wooden rack. It looked like something out of a medieval torture chamber, or maybe a pirate ship. His blue furry body was stark naked. Mercifully, a dresser was positioned near the door, topped with a golden bust of Gonzo's head (from his plumbing career days), blocking Gonzo's manhood from view. Below, working the rack, was Camilla the chicken, dressed in a black leather gimp suit and clutching a whip in one talon.

"C'mon, _tighter_ Camilla," Gonzo laughed. "Tighter!"

The chicken began to work the rack, then jumped and cried out when she noticed Animal.

"_B'KWAAAAWK_!"

"Animal!" Gonzo exclaimed. "_Do_ you _mind_?!"

Animal backed away, bug-eyed, letting the door fall shut by itself.

Animal was about to throw opened a third door, but stopped when he heard what sounded like a moan. He put his ear up to the door and listened.

"That's right Janie baby, just work your lips around it and take it all in…"

Grunting in confusion, Animal gently pushed opened the door.

Janice and Floyd sat on a sofa, fully clothed, passing a colorful glass-blown pipe between each other. The entire room reeked with an earthy aroma.

"Oh hey Animal!" Floyd said. "You wanna try a little a' Doctor Teeth's secret stash?"

"Hey Floyd baby, like, don't be spreading that around okay? I didn't ask Doc's permission to borrow this stuff…"

Animal left, unimpressed, and tried another door. In this one, Rizzo kissed a female rat on a sofa. Both looked up with terror when the door flew opened, and the girl exclaimed "Harry?" But they sighed with relief when they saw it was only Animal. Animal, being Animal, took no note of the wedding band on the female rat's finger, or the lack of one on Rizzo.

Animal continued down the entire hall. In one room, Pepe was romancing actress Penelope Cruz, with wine and Spanish music. In another, Bobo the Bear sat at a computer, chatting with an attractive female panda via Skype. In another, Fozzie bear sat alone on a bed, strangling a rubber chicken; he screamed when he saw Animal, and quickly hid the rubber chicken behind his back.

Only one room left. Animal threw the door opened.

Clifford stood at a cracked mirror, adjusting his orange dreadlocks. "Oh, hey Animal. I'm just waiting for my Baby ta show up. She's an hour late already! Tell ya what: if she's not here by midnight, you can have this room."

Animal grunted, and shook his head. "Sleep on staircase." He left, giving up.

Clifford shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."

The catfish continued to smooth his dreads, and gave his mustache a curl. He wanted to look his best for his baby…if she ever showed up. What was taking her so long? Traffic couldn't be that bad, could it?

The door, which Animal had left partially opened, creaked forward. Hoping it was her, Clifford turned with a smile. But it wasn't his girlfriend.

"Hey Baby I—Oh. Sorry, I thought you were somebody else."

The individual in the doorway said nothing.

"Hey man," Clifford looked up and down the figure carefully. "Do I know you? You look vaguely familiar."

The figure didn't reply. It simply entered the room, its massive shadow falling over Clifford.

"Hey, is there—I mean, can I help you with anything? Look man, I think you got the wrong room! I don't know what you—" the shadow shifted, as the figure turned around. "Yeah, that's more like it! You just get out of here, ya big creep—wait, what are you doing? Woa, hey! _He_—" Clifford's cry was cut off and muffled, as his entire felt body was crushed under a colossal weight.

* * *

Kermit and Piggy lay next to each other in bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Was it good for you, Kermie?" Piggy said softly.

"Piggy, I think that was the best sex a frog could ever ask from a pig!" Kermit said sincerely. "I wonder if anyone else got as lucky as I did tonight?"

His query was answered by a blood-curling, female scream.

"Oooh," Piggy snickered. "He must be good!"

"Who is that?" Kermit wondered aloud. "I don't recognize that voice."

Another scream followed. It was not a scream of joy.

Kermit bolted up. "Someone's in danger!" He hopped out of the bed and made for the door.

"Oh! Kermie, be careful!" Piggy began to slide out of bed, but Kermit stopped her.

"Piggy, you're not wearing any clothes! Put something on if you're gonna follow me, for Pete's sake!"

"Oh! How silly of me."

Kermit hurried down the hall. Piggy soon caught up, in her pink ruffled robe.

A small crowd of Muppets stood outside the door at the end of the hall. Right in front of the door, Fozzie was comforting a terrified woman, a human who Kermit didn't know. She was colorfully-dressed, with dark skin and a round face, straight black hair pulled into a high ponytail. She stared through the opened door with an agonized face, her fingers partially covering her mouth. Fozzie had his hand on her shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay Raven," Fozzie insisted, but the girl shook her head.

"Hey, I've seen you before!" Kermit realized. "Aren't you the girl who played that psychic on that Nickelodeon show?"

Raven nodded, her voice cracking. "Yes, I'm Clifford's girlfriend. Well I _was_ his girlfriend."

"_You're_ Clifford's girlfriend?" Kermit exclaimed. "Oh wow! So you're the one he's been talking to on the phone this whole—wait, 'was'? You 'was' his girlfriend? Wha…" Kermit moved around Raven and peered into the room.

At first, Kermit saw nothing out of the ordinary in the crumbling Happiness Hotel room, save the unusual mat on the floor. Then he realized it wasn't a mat. It was Clifford...flattened into a purple, Rastafarian-catfish-shaped mat. His eyes were so wide that his eyelids weren't even visible, and the pupils were contracted to dots; a rare facial expression that Muppets took only when experiencing extreme terror or strain. Clifford's hands were up near his face, as if in some feeble attempt to block the heavy force that had crushed him.

"Oh no," Kermit said softly.

Quietly, Scooter explained, "Everyone was just in their rooms, having fun, and then we all heard the screams. Robin's still asleep on the couch; he passed out while we were playing Halo. He's a pretty deep sleeper I guess."

Kermit nodded. "Good. I don't want Robin to see this."

"Hey, what's going on?"

Kermit turned to see Gonzo hurrying over, in his plaid bathrobe. Camilla came clucking behind him, also in a robe. (Was that black leather and chains she was wearing underneath? What in the _world_…? _Gonzo_, Kermit sighed inwardly.) Gonzo peered over Kermit's shoulder, and gasped.

"Oh, Camilla don't look!"

The chicken had already seen, and was flapping her wings frantically, sending feathers flying. Gonzo grabbed his hen and hid her face in his blue furry chest, protecting her from the sight. Gonzo suddenly gasped, and turned to Kermit. "What are we gonna tell Rizzo?"

"Tell me about what?" The rat asked casually, joining the crowd.

Scooter turned around. "You might not wanna look, Riz. It's Clifford."

Rizzo had worked closely with Clifford in the '90s, on the set of "Muppets Tonight." While Clifford had taken over Kermit's job as host, Rizzo had taken over Scooter's as techie. It was a safe bet that he and Clifford were at least casual friends.

Rizzo moved to get a closer look, then quickly stepped back, shaking his head. "_Hoooh_ no…"

Gonzo stretched out a hand to invite Rizzo in his and Camilla's hug. "Rizzo, I'm sorry."

"Clifford!" Rizzo turned back to the crowd. "Is, is he…?"

Kermit's face scrunched painfully. Fozzie looked at the ground. Pepe glanced around awkwardly, while his date, Penelope Cruz, stood at the back of the crowd with a sorrowful expression. Walter was having another one of his panic attacks, his face frozen like a Picasso painting.

"Excuse me," Dr. Bunsen Honeydew pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "Kermit, will you allow Beaker and I to have a look?"

Floyd gave Bunsen an odd look. "Hey man, what're you and Beaker doin' at this hotel?"

Janice smiled coyly. "_IIII knew it_!"

"It's not what you think, Miss Janice." Bunsen assured her. "Beaker and I rented the hotel's basement to spend Valentine's Day with our _true_ love—science! Come on Beekie."

Meeping, Beaker followed his lab partner over to the crime scene.

"Hmm," Bunsen leaned over the flattened catfish, looking closely.

"Hmm," Beaker squeaked.

"He _is_ dead." Bunsen confirmed.

Rizzo buried his face in Gonzo's robe.

"He was crushed by some kind of heavy weight." Bunsen continued. "I would say several tons, at least."

"Oh, gee, we never would've guessed that one." Piggy snorted. "Great detective work Sherlock."

Bunsen narrowed his nonexistent eyes at Piggy. "_Which means_ that anyone large enough to crush him to death is a suspect."

Piggy, taken aback, began looking back and forth between Kermit and the other Muppets. "W-well, aha, I'm not exactly _large_, per se, moi is just big-boned!"

"Piggy was with me the whole time!" Kermit protested. "She couldn't have done it!"

"Wait a minute," Walker, having recovered from his panic attack, came around to face Kermit. "So Clifford was _murdered_?"

"How else could this'a happened?" Zoot the sax player asked. "If something'd just _fell_ on him, it'd still be there!"

Fozzie suggested, "Maybe it _is_ still there, and it's just invisible! Like something from Bunsen and Beaker's lab!"

"Fozzie," Kermit was ready to scold his best friend for his stupidity, then reconsidered. "That's…actually not far-fetched."

Bunsen and Beaker ran their hands in the air over Clifford's flattened corpse, even poked the dead catfish a few times.

"Nope," Bunsen said. "Nothing here, but a deceased Rastafarian catfish."

Raven began to sob softly into her hands. "Oh-ho Clifford, Baby…this is all my fault."

"No Raven," Kermit assured her. "No it's not your fault. There wasn't anything you could've done if you'd been here. We're gonna catch the person who did this, and we're gonna see that justice is done!" The other Muppets nodded and voiced their agreement. "The Muppets always watch out for their own!" As Kermit's voice rose, so did the cheers from the other Muppets. "And when you mess with one of us you mess with all of us! It doesn't matter if Clifford wasn't part of the _original_ Muppet gang, or that he wasn't exactly popular with our fans, or that most of them would be shocked to even know he had a name. He was still a Muppet, and he deserved better than this!"

"Si, si," Pepe pulled out a cell phone. "I'll call the policia okay?"

While Pepe dialed, the crowd began to disperse, until only Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie and Raven were left standing at the door. Bunsen and Beaker continued to examine the corpse, while Pepe flirted with the female 911 operator.

"I'm sorry Kermie," Piggy said softly.

Kermit shook his head. "What am I gonna tell Robin."

* * *

**A/N: Apologies to fans of Clifford. I don't hate him: I'm just not attached to him like I am with most of the other Muppets, so he was a good candidate for a murder-victim. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Apologies for taking so long with this chapter. **

**I don't own the Muppets.**

* * *

As leader of the Muppets, it was Kermit's sad duty to read Clifford's eulogy. (And it was Statler and Waldorf's sad duty to heckle it.) Clifford had been a Roman Catholic catfish, necessitating an open-casket funeral. The "casket" in this case was a difficult matter, given the unusual condition of the departed's remains. After the ceremony, a human funeral worker solemnly rolled up the flattened catfish and dropped him into a cylindrical container. The "coffin" was then carried out to the graveyard by three purple catfish relatives, Clifford's girlfriend Raven, and Rizzo (who did more dangling than carrying). Final words were said, Statler and Waldorf made one more lame pun, and the casket was buried. Spirits rose immediately when the luncheon was announced. Miss Piggy led the stampede back to the Muppet Boarding House, where the Swedish chef had prepared an elaborate brunch.

Kermit nibbled silently at his fly-speckled bagel. Everyone else was digging in (especially Piggy and Rizzo), but somehow, Kermit simply lacked an appetite. He gazed around the crowded table. It was quite a sight, all the Muppets in those perfect black suits for the funeral, even ones that normally didn't wear clothes. Naturally, Piggy had used mourning as another fashion opportunity. With her black gloves, beret and veil, she looked like a femme fatale from one of the Muppet troops' film noir parodies.

Kermit finished the first half of his bagel, sighed, and began to spread the cream cheese on the second half.

Without warning, the hole in the bagel began moving like a mouth, emitting a male voice: "Hello? Anybody home?"

"_Yee-aag!_" Kermit jumped back in his chair.

"Gonzo?" the bagel asked. "Do I have the right house?"

Whimpering, the frog replied, "You have the right house, but not the right plate! This is Kermit the Frog! Gonzo's across from me, and two plates down."

"Oh, sorry 'bout that, my bad!"

The bagel went limp. A ways down the table, Gonzo's pickle-and-marshmallow omelet spoke up. "Gonzo?"

Gonzo curiously craned his head around the omelet, birdlike. "Snarl?"

"Gonzo!"

"Snarl!" Gonzo's face lit up. "I haven't heard from you in ages! Hey Kermit, you mind if I take this in the other room?"

Kermit nodded, still recovering from the shock of his talking bagel. "I would appreciate that."

Gonzo left the table, holding the omelet to his ear like a telephone. "Did Dad get you guys a new ship yet, or are you still cruising around the Milky Way in that rusty old egg?...Oh really? Well you should tell him flying saucers went out with the '50s. I hear tripods are pretty popular these days, especially if you want to do landings—what? Oh, you have to keep them underground? I didn't know that…" His voice faded out of earshot, as he vanished into the kitchen.

Kermit shook his head back down to his plate.

A second after the kitchen door shut behind Gonzo, it popped back opened, and Rowlf the dog emerged. His brown furry arms were full, carrying a plate piled at least two feet high with food. Before taking his seat, Rowlf stopped at the front of the table and, with one paw, removed a tiny saucer the pile. On the saucer sat two enticing looking doughnuts. A tiny piece of paper dangled from the saucer by a short string.

The dog cleared his throat. "Hey, uh, I was raiding the fridge again—you know how I hate fresh food—and I found this plate of doughnuts, somewhere between the hotdog casserole and the singing vegetables. I think it's for one of the pigs."

Miss Piggy, Dr. Strangepork, Link Hogthrob, Andy, Randy, and Spamela Hamderson immediately paused their trough-like eating to look up.

The dog craned his head around to read the dangling note (as both paws were full). "It's for… 'the Most Beautiful Pig on Yelevision, from an Anonymous Fan.'"

Link Hogthrob straightened his black bowtie. "Well you can tell Mr. Anonymous thank you very much, but I'm on a diet. I never eat gluten."

"I don't think it's for _you,_ Hogthrob," Piggy snarked.

"Well who then?" the former 'Pigs in Space' captain asked.

Piggy shook out her golden locks. "Perhaps the one who has been the _female lead_ in every Muppet movie since 1979?"

Strangepork snorted. "Not for nozing Piggy, but if memory serves, _Spamela_ is ze one who's swimsuit was hazardous to all the male pigs' health, on 'Bay of Pigs Watch.'"

Before Piggy could deliver her famous karate-chop, Spamela squealed, "Hey, there's _two_ doughnuts! The fan probably wants us each to have one!"

Lowering her arm, Piggy said sweetly, "Why that's a lovely idea Spamela! Let's share." Dipping her voice, she added, "Dibs on the jelly."

"They're both jelly," Rowlf said. "But one smells like low-fat. The other's regular. Who wants the healthy one?"

Spamela glanced at Piggy, waiting politely for her answer. Piggy looked around the table frantically. Everyone knew the Muppet cast's designated diva only ate "diet" food in the stories she fabricated when boasting about her stardom. Few would ever forget the time Piggy emerged from invisibility noshing on Cheetos, during that mission to rescue Gonzo from government agents.

Stalling, Piggy tried, "Uh, well uh…I'll let _you_ decide, Spamie dear!"

"Oh I don't care! I like both."

"O-okay, well uh," Piggy whispered something into Spamela's ear, and the younger pig's heavy-lidded eyes lit up.

"_Deal_!" Spamela whispered, then said loudly, "Okay Piggy, you can have the diet doughnut. I know a star like you has to watch your figure."

"Oh thank you sweetie…" Piggy reached for one of the doughnuts.

Rowlf began, "Wait Piggy, that's the reg—" A death glare from Piggy sent Rowlf's head shrinking into his shoulders with fear. The dog waited for the two pigs to take their doughnuts, then hurried away from the table. "I'm gonna, uh, go raid the fridge some more."

As Rowlf hurried through the kitchen door, Gonzo's voice could be heard once more, just briefly.

"…wow, that's great Snarl! You know I always thought you'd make a good voice actor…Yeah, you're voice always reminded me of Brian Henson for some reason…"

Kermit sighed inwardly, wondering what Piggy had bribed her former co-star with for that little doughnut stunt.

"Eh," Kermit pushed out of his seat. "I think I'm gonna see what's on the news. Someone else can finish my bagel."

He left the table room before Rizzo and the other rats could begin tearing each other apart over the half-eaten fly-bagel. Kermit exited the dining room, ignoring the screeches of fighting rats, clatter of dishes, and food flying in the air. He trudged into the living room, where a few Muppets who'd already finished brunch were milling about. Walter and Fozzie were playing chess in one corner. Janice was by the glass screen door in the leather recliner chair, with a sunbathing screen. Right outside, Sam Eagle and Dr. Teeth were in the Jacuzzi that Gonzo had built a few years ago, drinking from coconuts while debating angrily about tax redistribution. By a happy coincidence, no one was using the TV. Kermit took a seat on the sofa, and flipped on the news.

Not surprisingly, the head story was Clifford's murder. The gold-skinned Muppet News Man sat at the same desk he'd reported from since the '70s, reading the headline.

"This is the first time a Muppet has died in _fourteen years_." As Kermit listened intently to the report, he was aware of his nephew Robin joining him on the couch, still wearing his little tuxedo from the funeral. "However," the Newsman continued, "there are _many_ alive today who still remember the notorious Feeble Variety Massacre of 1989, when Heidi Hippo went on a shooting rampage and annihilated most of her own costars…"

Kermit shivered. "I remember that," he said, half to the TV and half to Robin. "That was terrible. I'd hoped you would grow up in a better world than that, Robin."

"In other news," the News man said, "the world-famous murderer and jewel thief Constantine is slated for execution this coming Sunday."

An image of the culprit appeared above the Newsman. Even in a photograph, the likeness between Kermit and Constantine was chilling. Only that mole allowed Kermit the comforting knowledge that he wasn't looking in some kind of nightmarish mirror.

"Constantine, who was arrested last year after stealing Kermit the Frog's identity as part of a sinister plan to steal the Crown Jewels of England, has been found guilty of the murders of an entire Russian gulag of prisoners and prison guards, which he blew up for dramatic effect in the opening of the last Muppet movie. For more details, just buy the darn movie, or download it illegally off the internet of you're a complete scruple-less scumbag."

The photo of Constantine suddenly spoke, in that evil Russian voice: "Do not daown-load videos, boys and gurls. Eet is eeleegal and eemoral! Just go to a rental store and steel eet the old fashioned way."

"Excuse me," the Newsman grunted up at the photo. "Did I invite you to be my co-host for this news report? This is _my_ news story!"

Constantine lunged halfway out of the photo's frame, and began to wring the Newsman's neck. "_Laieeng capitalist puppet reporter! What are you even supposed to be anyway? You look laik Bill Gates had a baby weeth some strange kind of vegetable…! _"

The Newsman coughed, "Little help here?" and several security guards onto the set, to restrain the out-of-control prisoner.

Kermit's face folded in with a whimper, as he scrambled for the remote and fumbled frantically for the off button. Finally, he managed to change the channel to Sesame Street, and breathed a long sigh of relief. "Sheesh! I'm sorry you had to see that Robin."

"Relax Uncle Kermit," the young frog said innocently, "I'm not a tadpole anymore!"

"I know Robin. But I promised your mother I'd keep you safe, bring you up right."

Shifting on the couch, Robin asked quietly, "What was my mom like, Uncle Kermit?"

"Well…she was…" Kermit cleared his throat. "Well I've _told_ you about your mother, Robin. She was your shade of green, and had eyes just like yours. She didn't have a neck-web like I've got. You look a lot like her. You know it's funny, they say babies usually look more like their dads than anyone, but you, you take after your mother."

"But Mom wasn't your sister, right? It's Dad who you were related to?"

Kermit cleared his throat. "That's right."

"I know you don't like to talk about my dad, Uncle Kermit. I guess if _I_ had a brother who was run over by a nature preserve lawn mower I'd be pretty uncomfortable talking about it too."

Kermit nodded, almost frantically, and turned back to the TV. "Hey, look Robin, they're parodying 'Les Mis!' That's the play your school just did, right? See, you don't have to be a tadpole for 'Sesame Street' to be relevant. There's something for every—"

"Can you at least tell me what he _looked_ like?" Robin interrupted.

Kermit grimaced. "Well uh…you've got photo albums of my side of the family, Robin. Why don't you just look through those."

"I do, but a _lot_ of those frogs look the same. I can't even tell which one is _you_ in most of them!"

Kermit nodded in agreement. "Well, that's the trouble, when you have 7,563 brothers and sisters. It gets sort of hard to tell people apart. I'm sure if we looked carefully we could pick out your dad."

"It's just weird." Robin lamented. "I have all these pictures of Mom, and I know all these things about her. I know her name was Debbie, and she was a flight attendant who loved to travel the world, and she died choking on a dragonfly in Beijing. But I don't even know my dad's first name!"

"Well I wish I remembered it Robin," Kermit defended, "but when you have 7,563 brothers and sisters…"

"Why don't we just look at my birth certificate?" Robin suggested.

"I…I lost it."

"Maybe we could visit the Muppet Archives and do some digging! I hear they do family history. I've tried family history websites, but they were no help. But the Muppet Archives are opened every weekday from eight to ten, and I just need one adult guardian from the fam—"

Reaching the end of his rope, Kermit scolded, "Robin I don't think it's healthy for you to fixate on the past this much. Why don't you focus on your future? Don't you have a report on Dickensian classism to work on?"

"I have a _right_ to know who my _dad_ was Uncle Kermit, don't I?"

"Robin I—I think I need to go upstairs, I don't feel too good." Kermit hopped off the couch. "I think that fly bagel is disagreeing with me."

Kermit made for the stairs, almost colliding with Spamela Hamderson. The beach model shook her head at Kermit sympathetically. "I don't feel too good either. I think that doughnut was spoiled." She groaned, rubbing her stomach. "At least I'm getting some new outfits out of it!"

"_That's_ what Piggy bribed you with, for pretending to eat the regular doughnut?" Kermit asked. "Some of her clothing? Piggy never lets anyone wear hear clothes!"

"It's not any of the stuff she wears now," Spamela explained. "Just some old costumes from when you guys did 'Christmas Carol' and 'Treasure Island.' Those things are probably collector's items, I could get rich auctioning those off!"

"Wow, and Piggy just said you could have them, all for a jelly doughnut?"

"Well, between you and me, I think she _wants_ them gone. She doesn't like being reminded that she can't fit into them anymore…"

Robin shook his head as his uncle and Spamela vanished up the stairs.

He tried watching "Sesame Street's" parody of "Les Miserables," then gave up and headed back to the dining room.

"Aw c'mon," Cookie Monster begged from the TV. "Don't you like Cookie Monster's take on Jean Val Jean? Me try to do French accent, but speech coach expensive—"

Robin shook his head. "It's not your accent Cookie Monster. I just had to read that entire series for A.P. Literature. I'm all Victor Hugoed out!"

He left the disappointed cast of Sesame Street and made for the dining room. Despite having eaten a full brunch, Robin was kind of craving a glass of orange juice. The table was now mostly empty, except Pepe the King Prawn reading the newspaper, and a few rats picking at the leftovers no one had bothered to clean up. Robin got a clean glass (that was almost bigger than he was), cleared a space in the sea of table scraps and dirty plates, and helped himself to the orange juice that was still sitting out on the table.

Gonzo burst out of the kitchen, still on the omelet with his brother. His tone had changed, and from what Robin was overhearing, the conversation had turned to family feuds. Gonzo was speaking in the low, serious voice he used when he was depressed or cranky.

"Did he now.…Yeah, well it's mutual. I don't wanna talk to him either. I'm sick of him criticizing everything I do. _Nothing_ is weird enough for him. You remember that 'Shakespeare with Chickens' tour I did a while back?...Uh-huh?...yeah. Apparently mixing Shakespeare and chickens 'isn't weird.'" There was a pause, as Gonzo,'s relative asked him something. "Direct quote. Because, according to him, chickens are too cliché and Shakespeare's too famous." Some babbling from the other line. "I _told_ him that. He's a hypocrite." The relative on the other line was rapidly speaking over him, but in an agreeing voice. Gonzo nodded, taking a seat at the filthy table, across from Robin. "I told him that to his nose. He's a hypocrite. He thinks it's only weird if _he_ likes it. I tried telling him, you can't put a box around 'weird,' that defies the whole point!...Oh, okay. Well I'll let you go then. It was nice chatting with you Snarl. Tell Zozo I said hi!"

Gonzo "hung up" the omelet on a dirty plate, and sighed. Finally acknowledging the frog across from him, he said, "Word to the wise Robin. Don't try to impress someone who can never be pleased. It's a waste of time." He shook his head, then began nibbling at his now lifeless omelet.

"It sounds like I'm not the only one having family problems," the young frog commented, nursing his gigantic glass of orange juice.

"Yeah. Comes with having a family I guess." Gonzo poked at his omelet then stopped. "Wait a minute, you and Kermit have a fight?"

"Not a fight exactly, just a disagreement. He doesn't wanna tell me about my Dad and I don't know why! I've spent my whole life wondering what my parents were like, and what my background is. I wanna know what things I get from my mom, and what I get from my dad. All my friends know their parents. I can't even remember mine!"

"Well I know how that is," Gonzo said soberly. "But hey, at least you've got your Uncle Kermit, and all your relatives up at the swamp. I was completely alone growing up. I didn't have _anybody_, until I met Kermit and Fozzie and the other Muppets."

"When was that?" Robin asked curiously.

"Hmm? Oh, around when I was three or four. We went to daycare together." Robin gave Gonzo an odd look, that the weirdo didn't seem to notice. "We all lived with this nanny named Nanny, who specialized in taking care of Muppet children. We all sort of went our separate ways after kindergarten though." Gonzo frowned thoughtfully. "Then we grew up and somehow forgot we'd all known each other as kids, then re-met as adults, and still didn't remember until Scooter found some old home videos in the basement. Isn't that something?" he chuckled.

"Huh, memory works in weird ways I guess." Robin said.

"You _both_ had it easy," Rizzo cut in.

The rat stood in the middle of a table, holding a plate piled with scraps. A ways behind him, several of his fellow vermin were still digging into the leftover eggs, pastries and hash browns. Pepe the Prawn seated nearby, doing a crossword in the newspaper while pouring himself some coffee (it was nice to have four hands).

Rizzo held up a finger, and began, "When I was a kid, I had—"

Gonzo rolled his eyes and said it with him, dryly. "_Twelve-hundred and seventy-four brudders and sistas._"

Rizzo repeated, "That's right, twelve-hundred and seventy-four."

The rat set down his plate and began trying to hoist up the carton of orange juice, hoping to pour himself a glass. Not surprisingly, he had some difficulty.

"Here let me help you get that Rizzo," Gonzo offered.

"I can get it myself!" Rizzo panted.

Rizzo clung to the carton stubbornly, dangling in the air while Gonzo poured his juice for him with one hand. Rizzo finally thanked Gonzo grudgingly, and had a seat in the middle of the table. He swigged his orange juice like it was a hard drink, and continued his lecture. "You guys had privacy! You think a rat ever has time to wonder about his origins or reflect on his inner demons growing up? I was too busy fightin' my siblings for leftover pizza crumbs and trying to find a free spot in the dumpster where I could get a decent night's sleep!"

"Si, si," Pepe added. "When you are a Prawn, you have _hundreds_ of siblings okay. And we all go through puberty at the same time! Not fun."

"Well I may not be at puberty yet," Robin said irritably, "But I'm not an egg either! Whatever uncomfortable information is in that file about my dad, I can handle it!"

"I agree with you Robin," Gonzo said. "I know how it feels to grow up not knowing where you come from, and I wouldn't wish that on _anybody_. Not even the guy who tried to suck my brain out! Oh that reminds me, I gotta reschedule my next check-up with Dr. Van Neuter," he rummaged for his cell phone, then remembered, "Oh that's right, he's not open on Sundays."

Rizzo shook his head over his orange juice. "W-wait a minute, your _doctor_ is Dr. _Van Neuter_? The guy who tried to suck your brain out?!"

"Yeah. Why not?"

Rizzo practically shrieked, "_He tried to suck your brain out!_"

"That was _years_ ago Rizzo, and he _said_ he's sorry. Besides, that uncomfortable experiment made him the only doctor on the planet who understands my unique alien biology."

Robin sighed. "I just wish there was some way I could get into the Muppet Archives, and get information on my parentage. But the only people with authorization to do that are Uncle Kermit and my eighteen-year-old self, who won't exist until the Henson Company decides to let Muppet characters start aging."

Rizzo offered, "Fozzie's eyebrows have gone gray. Maybe they'll let you age a little in the next movie."

Gonzo's eyes suddenly widened. "Who says you gotta ask?"

"Huh?" Robin cocked his head at Gonzo.

"Oh no," Rizzo shook his head frantically. "No, no, NO, _NO! _Gonzo, you are _not_ dragging me on another one of your crazy schemes!"

"Rizzo," Gonzo began, but was cut off.

"I'm _not_ going, nuh-uh!" Rizzo was speaking a hundred words a minute. "I've lost _count_ of all the harebrained death-traps you've dragged me on!"

Robin and Gonzo stared blankly at Rizzo, as he ranted on.

"That rope climb to spy on Mr. Scrooge, that treasure hunt where we had blood-thirsty pirates trying to kill us every ten minutes, that experiment with the pencil sharpener—"

"Rizzo," Gonzo tried again.

"—that fiasco looking for the White House, that wild goose chase to the North Pole, and don't even get me _started_ on that roller coaster ride through the Post Office!"

"Rizzo you don't have to come." Gonzo said patiently.

"—You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes? Well thanks to you that's happened so many times I got it memorized! First I'm born in a dumpster on the East Side, and then I'm learning to talk—my first word's 'pizza!' naturally—and then I'm about to ask Suzie Mousekawitz to the dance but that prick Tony gets there first— wait, what?" Rizzo shook his head, finally bringing his rant to a halt.

"_I said_, you don't have to come!" Gonzo repeated. "Robin and I can pull off this deadly heist without you. We don't need a rat to break into the Muppet Archives."

"You don't?"

Robin looked between Gonzo and Rizzo, listening intently, but determined not to interrupt their conversation.

"No!" Gonzo said. "We just need someone stealthy, who's good at breaking and entering. There's no reason it has to be a rat. Besides, you must be sick and tired of all these guest roles in Muppet movies. You said yourself, being my costar is painful. I'll let you sit this one out Rizzo. Someone else have the spotlight for a change."

"Now wait just a minute," Rizzo set down his juice and placed a tiny fist on his hip.

Gonzo mused, "I wonder if Walter's busy this week?"

"_WALTER?_" Rizzo shrieked.

From the living room, Walter called, "Someone say my name?"

"Yeah," Gonzo rubbed his chin. "Walter would be great for this kind of thing. After all, he was really heroic in our last movie, when he escaped from that train and went on that deadly mission to save Kermit, all at the cost of _your_ screen time." Gonzo turned around in his chair. "Hey, Water, you wanna break into the Muppet Archives?"

"Well I dunno," Walter said in a distracted voice (he was still playing chess with Fozzie). "I gotta check my work schedule. I just got this new job at White Castle…"

"_Hold on a minute!_" Rizzo grabbed Gonzo's nose, pulling his face down to his. Robin was taken aback by Rizzo's boldness, but Gonzo was used to having angry people abuse his beak. "Walter can _not_ do this job! He's a Muppet fan-boy that got promoted to the spotlight on the basis the reboot movie needed an audience surrogate! Walter's nothing but a pathetic rip off Scooter at best, and an annoying Gary Stu at worst! And he would'a _never_ survived that train chase without Animal!"

"Hey…!" from the other room, Walter sounded offended.

"Nothin' personal Walter," Rizzo called. "I like you!"

Instantly switching back to his usual cheer, Walter called back, "No worries Rizzo! I _am_ pretty lame!"

"Aw don't be hard on yerself Walter," Rizzo apologized.

Gonzo spoke in a nasally voice (thanks to Rizzo clutching his nose), "Rizzo, are you saying you want to be a part of this scheme?"

Rizzo turned back to Gonzo. "Well why not? I've broke inta' more high-security places than I can remember! I can fit into spaces even Pepe can't, I can chew through anything, _plus_ I'm a _rat_, and if breaking the law isn't a job made for a rat then I don't know what is!"

"I don't know Rizzo," Gonzo croaked through his twisted nose. "You tend to crack under pressure. Why don't you just let Pepe or Bean Bunny handle it."

"_Crack under pressure?_ Did I crack when I was chewing you free from that mad lab at C.O.V.E.N.T.? Or when I was crawling through the vents all through that evil lair, full of killer government agents?"

"But—"

"_Who_ flew through a scary time rift with you to visit Scrooge's childhood? _Who_ led a rat worker's revolt in New York? Who managed to dig up that old paycheck of yours, signed by Jim Henson? Who got tortured alongside you by pirates, helped you raise anchor, and stuck by your side when we flew screaming out of that exploding inn, right through a brick wall?"

Through his scrunched schnoze, Gonzo pointed out, "Well if you remember, a lot of those _were_ just movies. They didn't really—"

"And yes, I am _fully_ aware of your little reverse psychology gimmick, and it's got _no_ influence on my decision! I'm not doing this for you Gonzo, and I'm not doing it for my spotlight, I'm doing it to save this story! That prick Walter hogged the spotlight for _two_ Muppet movies, to the determent of the real Muppet cast, and I can't let him do it again! I'm doing this for the _fans_!" Rizzo released Gonzo's nose, cleared his throat, and began to smooth the twisted blue beak. "So, what's the plan?"

"Weeell," Gonzo cocked his head bashfully. "We're gonna need a few more rats, some chickens, a cannon, gunpowder, a wheel of cheese, a whoopee cushion, and someone who knows how to use dynamite."

"I can get ya the rats!" Rizzo gestured enthusiastically to his kin, still tearing through the leftovers.

Pepe offered, "I have some moldy cheese under my hammock okay!"

"I can get the gunpowder from my fireworks kit I got for Christmas," Robin said. "Gee Gonzo, I can't believe you're doing all this just for me!"

"Don't mention it Kid," Gonzo said.

Crazy Harry peeked around the doorway. "Did somebody say 'dynamite'…?"

* * *

Three stories above the scheming Muppets, Spamela Hamderson stood on a small balcony, dressed in Piggy's old pirate getup from "Treasure Island." She struck various poses, while Dr. Strangepork photographed her.

"Beautiful Spamela! Let's try one with the sword over your shoulder."

Spamela shifted the pirate sword over her shoulder, posing voluptuously with one hand on her hip. Just as the flash went off, she gagged, bending over.

"Ugh, sorry Strangepork. That jelly doughnut's come back to haunt me. I think it was expired or something."

"Say, that could work!" Strangepork said. "Do that pose again, hold the sword so it looks like you're run through! We can call it 'Ham on a Stick!'"

"How about an old fashioned swoon?" Spamela suggested weakly. "Because I feel like I'm gonna pass out."

"That could work too," Strangepork agreed, missing her sarcasm. "Let's give it a shot!"

Spamela sighed, then struck a dramatic pose, with her arm over her forehead. She leaned back gracefully, mimicking a feinting woman…then continued to lean farther and farther back, until she tumbled right over the railing.

Directly three stories below the balcony, Sam Eagle and Dr. Teeth were still in the Jacuzzi, having political debates.

Dr. Teeth gestured at Sam. "So you're gonna sit here with a straight face, and tell me that the Flat Earth Theory is 'real science'?"

Gruffly, Sam Eagle retorted, "I was merely pointing out that under American law, a professor has the right to—"

He was cut off by the enormous splash. Dr. Teeth and Sam both stared around the sky in bafflement.

Statler and Waldorf watched the entire scene from their lawn chairs on the deck.

Waldorf turned to his friend. "Well there you have it Stalter, pigs _can't_ fly!"

"No," Dr. Teeth muttered, "but you'd think the star of 'Bay of Pigs Watch' would at least know how to _swim_!'"

Ignoring him, Statler replied to Waldorf's joke, "Sure they can you old fool! From the roof to the ground!"

"D'oh-ho-ho-ho…"

Sam Eagle shook his head at the blonde pig floating face-down in the water. "Young people these days. Probably got tired of the Ice Bucket Challenge."

"Hey man, I think somethin's wrong with Spamela," Dr. Teeth said. "She ain't breathin!"

"What?" Sam Eagle looked up suddenly.

"Spamela?" Dr. Strangepork called from the balcony. "Are you alright?"

Dr. Teeth yelled up to him, "Hey Strangepork, I think you better call 911! Your star just tried high-divin' into a shallow Jacuzzi, fully clothed!"

Various Muppets were now pressed against the windows of the house, trying to get a view of the scene. Slowly, they began to emerge from the house, gathering around the hot tub. Sam and Dr. Teeth both pulled Spamela out of the water, and onto the grass, turning her onto her back.

"What's wrong with Spamela?" Piggy asked with genuine concern. "Is she alright?"

"I think she needs mouth-to-mouth!" Dr. Teeth said.

"Oh! Uh, that's my job," Link Hogthrob said quickly. "I am, after all, the captain."

"Hang on," Scooter cut in front of Link. "I took a CPR class! I should do it!"

Bobo the bear stammered, "No wait, I've, I've done it before, for my cousin Izzy! You better let me do it."

Piggy bit her lip while the men fought over the honor of touching lips with Spamela Hamderson. Finally she screamed, "_I'll_ do it!"

The other Muppets looked on, as Piggy began administering CPR to her friend.

Bobo elbowed Link. "Hey, nothing like a little girl on girl, huh?"

"No, nothing like it," Hogthrob agreed, looking at Piggy with mild revulsion. "And what I'm looking at now is _definitely_ nothing like it."

Piggy paused her rescue efforts to shout, "Watch it, Hogthrob!"

* * *

**A/N: Unsure when the next chapter will be up. I have a lot going on right now, including other fanfics I've been working on. But I am optimistic that this story can be pulled off in a mere ten or so chapters, maybe less, so it shouldn't take me forever. I hope. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I don't own "The Muppets"**

* * *

The entire group from the Muppet boarding house were squashed into the hallway of St. Jareth's Hospital. This meant every main Muppet character dating back to the original "Muppet Show," and a good chunk of the recurring and guest characters. They all waited in silence, as Kermit exited the hospital room, looking down somberly.

"Well what's the news Kermit?" Fozzie asked, holding his hat to his chest. "Will Spamela live?"

Kermit grimaced. "Before I go on, I want you all to _promise_ me that you won't panic, and we won't jump to any conclusions."

"Did someone try to kill her?" Robin exclaimed.

Kermit gave his nephew a look. "_Rooobin_,"

"Sorry Uncle Kerm, I couldn't resist."

"To answer your question Robin, there is a _distinct possibility_ that someone tried to poison Spamela. That jelly doughnut she ate contained a dose of cyanide."

The Muppets gasped in sync.

Fozzie stammered, "But Piggy ate one of those doughnuts too!"

Piggy began screaming. "_OOOH! OH! OH! OH! No, no this can't be! I can't die! Moi's too young to die! Oh there's so much I haven't done with my life, I'm not married, I never got to see Venice, I wanted to get married in Venice! It was my dream!_"

"Piggy the doctor looked at you already, remember?" Kermit reminded her. "You're _fine_."

"I know," Piggy grunted. "But moi's flare for the dramatic is a _skill_, and like any skill it must be practiced daily."

Kermit groaned and shook his head. "Anyway, the poison was only in the doughnut that Spamela ate. It's possible someone was trying to kill her. But it's also possible that the Chef just bought the wrong ingredient at the grocery store."

The Swedish Chef began to retort angrily in (fake) Swedish.

"Hey that's right!" agreed Zoot, who apparently spoke (fake) Swedish. "Chef didn't make those doughnuts, they were left by an 'anonymous fan.'"

Whispers erupted around the Muppet troop.

"Oh yeah," Janice said sarcastically. "Like that's sure not suspicious in any way!"

"Hey, wait a minute," Sal Minella, the beady-eyed monkey, began ticking off on his fingers. "First Clifford gets squashed by someone who weighs a lot, and then Spamela gets poisoned by a doughnut that Piggy _bribed_ her to eat!"

Kermit was taken aback. "Sal what are you implying?"

"Nooothing. I'm just saying, whoever did this _obviously_ wanted Spam to eat that doughnut, and whoever killed Clifford is obviously _big boned_," he glared accusingly at Piggy.

"What?" Piggy roared. "You're accusing _me_ of trying to poison my old friend? You think I murdered Clifford? What do you take me for?"

Fozzie chimed in, "Piggy wouldn't hurt a fly! Well she might karate chop it, but she wouldn't hurt it!"

Gonzo added, "She's got bristles, but she wouldn't _kill_ anyone…I don't _think_…"

"Um, guys," Janice said over everyone else, "Like I'm pretty sure Piggy was busy doing the nasty with Kermit at the time of Clifford's death, so that kind of rules her out, ya think?"

No one was listening. Piggy and Sal were arguing viciously.

"Maybe you're the killer, and you're just trying to pin it on me!"

"Why would I wanna kill anyone? I'm a monkey!"

"Well why would I wanna?"

"Maybe cuz Spamela hogged your spotlight in 'Bay of Pigs Watch?' Maybe cuz Clifford didn't give you all the screen time you wanted on 'Muppets Tonight'?"

"Oh right. That's exactly what I'm gonna do if I'm not getting enough screen time. I'll get in on the six-o'clock news via murder!"

"Guys! Everyone please!" Kermit's attempts to calm the crowd were futile. "This isn't helping Spamela!"

Suddenly, a new voice yelled "_QUIIIET!_"

All head turned to the back of the hallway. It was Nigel, the pale-green anteater who'd served as the control-room manager on "Muppets Tonight."

Calmly, in his classic New York accent, Nigel said, "Kermit is right. This isn't helping Spamela. And we don't have any proof that someone actually tried to kill her. Or even Clifford for that matter. For all we know, someone accidently sat on him, and was just too ashamed to come forward. All we know is that one Muppet is dead," his voice began to increase in speed and volume. "and another one's already joining him, the day of his funeral, and this is only the beginning," his voice became more panicked, and his eyelids lifted off his eyeballs. "_they'll probably start picking us off by the twos and threes, each way more gruesome and horrible than the last! OH MY GOD IT'S THE END OF THE MUPPETS! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEATHS! AAAAAAAAH…_"

Kermit sighed, as the Muppets resumed their panic.

Amidst the chaos, Gonzo said to Robin, "I guess we're gonna wanna put that Archives break-in on hold for a while. I think I'd be in poor taste to go on a heist while Spamela's in such poor health."

"I was thinking just the opposite!" Robin argued. "Nigel's right, someone's probably trying to kill us all off. And if they are, what chance does a little frog like me have? I wanna find out where I come from before it's too late. Life is short and I could die any day. Please Gonzo, please help me get those files. I wanna know who my father is. That's my soul, dying wish!"

Gonzo seemed relieved to have an excuse to continue with his madcap plan. "Okay kid, you talked me into it! You wanna go now, while everyone else is too busy throttling each other to notice?"

Behind them, the Muppets were screaming, throwing punches, and tacking leach other.

Robin ducked, allowing a fish thrown by Lew Zeeland to soar harmlessly over his head. "Sure!"

Walter, who'd been screaming while making his trademark contorted face, paused his panic attack and turned to face Gonzo. "Oh, you guys are doing that heist?"

"Yeah," Gonzo nodded. "Wanna come Walter?"

"Naw, I've already got plans for this afternoon. I'm gonna go investigate this murder mystery on my own, alone and unarmed, in a dangerous part of the city, knowing that I'm physically weak and an insignificant character to the story! After I finish this panic attack of course." He re-scrunched his face, and resumed screaming.

"Well alright." Gonzo said. "If you change your mind we'll be at the Archives. Just follow the sirens. Okay," he turned to Robin. "We'd better go find Rizzo and Pepe, so we can start planning this. Oh! Speaking of planning," he whipped out his cell phone. "I've learned it's always best to call my doctor ahead of time. That way he can have a hospital room ready for me after I'm done." Ignoring the look on Robin's face, Gonzo dialed the number of Dr. Phil Van Neuter.

The doctor's voice answered tearfully, "_Y-you've reached the mad science lab of Dr. Phil Van Neuter. S-s-speaking please_?" The sound of a blowing nose followed.

"Phil? It's me, Gonzo. Is everything alright?"

"_N-no Gonzo, everything's not alright_," the doctor sobbed. "_D-do you remember my assistant, Mulch_?"

"Mulch? Sure, I remember him. What happened?"

The doctor sniffled. "_I found him dead this morning, in the lab. He was stabbed in the hump!_"

Gonzo and Robin both gasped. (The doctor's voice was echoing loud enough from the phone for Robin to hear.)

Gonzo asked, "Stabbed, you mean, with a knife?"

"_They don't know what the murder weapon was, just that it was a pointy object_." The poor mad scientist's sobs were never-ending. "_Oh what am I gonna do without Mulch? I never appreciated him, when he was alive! He was always there for me…_"

Gonzo floundered for something sympathetic to say. "Oh Phil I, I— "

"Hey, quite!" Floyd Pepper, the purple guitarist of the Electric Mayhem, suddenly shouted.

Gonzo and Robin both looked up. All the other Muppets paused their arguments, wrestling matches, and panic attacks.

"Listen to this!" Floyd held up his I-phone, which was playing a news broadcast.

On the phone's tiny screen, one could see the Muppet Newsman, reporting from a beach. Behind him, several human and Muppet police officers were covering a pink felt body with a sheet, while a crowd of human and Muppet beachgoers looked on.

"…_reporting from the Bay of Pigs, where a body has just washed up on shore. Police confirm that it is the body of 'Bay of Pigs Watch' star David Hoggselhoff. Witnesses say that they saw the lifeguard rush into the water in response to a cry for help, but no one saw who it was yelling for help. Hoggselhoff then vanished under the water. When he failed to resurface, other lifeguards rushed to his aid. He eventually floated back to the top, face-down, witnesses say. Evidently, Hoggselhoff was somehow pulled to the bottom of the ocean and held down with some heavy force, until he drowned. Police are still searching for the culprit_…"

"That's another pig competitor dead," Sal Minella spat, glaring at Miss Piggy. "Killed by something _heavy_!"

"Sal," Johnny Fiama, the green-skinned lounge singer, addressed his monkey assistant. "Come on now. Don't you think you're getting a little carried away? It's not like the author's gonna reveal the killer in Chapter 3 anyway. The pig's probably what they call uh…what's that literary term uh….red salmon?"

"You guys," Gonzo said urgently. "I'm talking to Dr. Phil Van Neuter right now—you know, the mad scientist from 'Muppets Tonight?' He's my doctor. Anyway, he says his henchmen Mulch was stabbed to death this morning, with an unknown weapon!"

More gasps erupted throughout the crowd.

"So," Sal sneered, "It looks like the murderers _this time_ were committed by someone really heavy, and who might own a _kitchen knife!_"

"I don't own any knives!" Piggy fired back. "Moi never cooks my own food! When I did that 'Christmas Carol' movie I had to have a stunt double do all the baking and mincing scenes…!"

"Come _on_ you guys," Kermit begged, but chaos resumed, worse than before.

"Wait a minute," Walter was talking to himself, ticking off on his gold hand. "Clifford…Spamela Hamderson…David Hoggselhoff…Mulch….I think I might be onto something!…I think…whoever's doing this….is targeting….MUPPETS!" His eyes widened with the realization, and Walter went back to screaming.

Gonzo made a face at Walter and shook his head.

"Now's the perfect time for us to go Gonzo," Robin advised, tugging the weirdo's sleeve. "Before anybody notices."

Gonzo looked once more at the crowd. "Are you sure you wanna do this now Robin? For all we know that killer's waiting for us at the Archives!"

"Yes, yes! I want to know who my father is! Before I get stabbed, or drowned or squashed or poisoned!"

"Eh you're right. If I'm gonna die today, I'll darn well make sure the Great Gonzo squeezes in _one _last stunt before the end!"

"Bowk bowk bock baawk," Camilla clucked, emerging from the fighting crowed to hug Gonzo.

"Awe, of _course_ you'll be by my side Camilla! Now come on, let's go find Ethel and Stephanie and the other chickens. It's now or never!"

Camilla clucked in agreement, and rushed to find her backup chickens.

Pepe, Rizzo, and Crazy Harry quickly joined them.

The prawn was uncharacteristically excited about partaking in a heist. "This will make a fabulous nighttime special for Pepe okay! There will be interviews, books, maybe a theatrical movie!"

Crazy Harry came up next to Gonzo, and rasped, "Should I practice a little, just to make sure I can perform?"

"Uh not now Harry," the weirdo replied.

"_Gonzo_," Rizzo pointed sternly at his friend. "I just want you to know that the _only_ reason I'm going along with this now is 'cause I'm more afraid of that killer than I am of your stunts."

"I knew I could count on your Rizzo." Gonzo muttered.

"I think I should practice," Crazy Harry insisted. "Just one."

_**BOOM!**_

Gonzo, Robin, and their partners in crime hurried through the new hole in the wall, before Kermit could notice or ask where they were going.

* * *

The Muppet Archives is located in the deepest parts of MGM Studios, in Disney World. In front of the Muppet's 3D theater stands a fountain, sporting effigies of Fozzie Bear, the Great Gonzo, the Rats, and more, circled around a Miss Piggy Statue of Liberty. Were a human to try splashing into that fountain, he or she would get nothing but wet socks, possibly a cool picture for Facebook, and definitely a disgruntled security guard telling them to please exit the fountain. However, if a Muppet enters, the sensors under the fountain floor will instantly react to his light, puppet weight, triggering the secret entrance.

Gonzo, Robin, Rizzo, Pepe, Crazy Harry, the chickens, and the rats casually made their way to the fountain, receiving minimal glances from passing human tourists and their curious children. Barely anyone seemed to notice or care when the Muppets waded into the fountain, nor when the entire fountain itself began to lower into the ground like a massive elevator. (Although one man who'd been reading a newspaper did seem a bit startled when the stone fountain wall under his rump suddenly began descending away.)

Robin looked around in awe as the fountain took them to a massive, underground lobby. "Have you been here before, Gonzo?"

"Oh yeah. I was doing some family history research a few years back, when I began wondering about my origins. I was able to track down my first chicken foster family through this place!"

They stepped off the fountain, and made their way through a crowd of hustling and bustling Muppets, before stopping in a line at the front desk. Ahead of them were several strange Muppets Robin didn't recognize: a cranky-looking gobbling carrying a massive pile of trash on her back; a young sorceress with curled horns, trying to pacify a dragon who seemed to be arguing with his own tail; and two very loud, human-esque Muppets, making a vulgar crank call with a cell phone covered in kitten stickers. Robin began watching some of the Muppets walking around the lobby.

"Hey!" Robin pointed at a group of passing Fraggles. "I know you guys! You gave my Uncle Kermit and me a pebble one Christmas!"

"Oh yeah!" a yellow Fraggle said. "I remember you too! Good times."

The Fraggles were in a hurry, and couldn't stay to chat. After they left, Gonzo remarked, "Wow Rizzo, that _one_ Fraggle sounds a _lot_ like you!"

"You think everyone with a New York accent sounds like me…"

"_Next_!" a female voice hollered.

The group suddenly realized they'd made it to the front of the line. Staring down at them was a human secretary, who looked shockingly like actress Anne Hathaway. In fact, it _was_ Anne Hathaway.

"Anne Hathaway?" Gonzo exclaimed. "You work at the Muppet Archives?"

"Works' been kinda' slow since 'Batman,'" she sighed. "At least in this job I get to wear clothes I can breathe in. What can I help you guys with?"

Rizzo and Pepe exchanged a glance. Pepe asked, "Why is a human working at Muppet Archives, hokay?"

"It's a living." Anne said simply. "Look, I don't mean to rush you guys, but we have a lot of people waiting."

Robin nervously glanced behind him, to see Alf, the Cont, the Cookie Monster, and a Gentle Mystic watching him impatiently. (Actually, Alf and the Count were looking impatient; the Mystic seemed to have all the tranquil patience in the world, and Cookie Monster was busy stuffing himself with a box of Girl Scout cookies.)

Timidly, the young from said to Anne, "I want to look at my birth records to find out who my father is. But I'm an underage frog, and none of my relatives will help me out. Can Gonzo be my adult guardian, just this once?"

"Depends," Anne replied. "Is Gonzo a relative or legal guardian?"

Faces fell.

"Do I have any options?" Robin asked.

Anne Hathaway sighed, then pulled out a manual. "You have a few," she paged through the thick book. "Okay. If you wanna access your files, but you don't have a guardian, you have three options. A: Perform a dramatic heist; B: access the records via off-screen 'sources'—I think you have to be a mob character for that to apply though—aaand C…" she turned the book around, as if trying to make sure she was reading it correctly.

"That's okay," Gonzo offered. "We've had the heist planned since yesterday afternoon. We'll take A."

Anne Hathaway nodded half-mindedly. "Okay. Good luck!" As the troop of scheming Muppets left, she squinted at her manual, reading option C over and over. Finally understanding, she raised her eyebrows. "Huh. I didn't know you could get a free pass by performing a heartwarming musical number." She looked back up, hoping to tell the good news to the little frog and his friends, but alas, they were gone. She grimaced, and faced her next few customers. Cookie Monster had finished his cookies, and was downing the cardboard box for desert.

"Hi," Alf leaned over the counter. "I think I left a cell phone here a few days ago? It's black, and covered in cat stickers…"

* * *

The Muppet Archives actually employed several humans, especially as security guards. In front of a locked set of double doors stood two uniformed guards, one Muppet and one human. The Muppet, naturally, was Bobo the Bear. The human was Jack Black. The guards both stared at the bizarre scene in front of them. Neither Jack nor Bobo could fathom why a dozen chickens were standing before them in a pyramid, clucking the French national anthem as they spun slowly in place like a Christmas tree in a mall display. At the top of the pyramid, Pepe twirled in his pink tutu.

"Hang on," Bobo grunted. "I took an interpretive dance class in high school. I think they're asking us if we want to buy a magazine subscription."

Jack Black just stood with his arms folded, shaking his head. "To heck with political correctness. I'm puttin' up a sign: either speak English, or go back to…whatever country chickens come from!"

The two frustrated guards continued to stare, trying to work out the chicken visitors' request, oblivious to the line of rats tiptoeing past them, towards the door. At the front of the line, Rizzo, Bubba and Shakes hoisted a small pipe bomb; the rest of the rats carried the extension chord. They set the pipe bomb in front of the door, then quickly scurried away.

In a broom closet across the hall, Crazy Harry peeked through the door. Seeing that his bomb was in place, he gleefully pressed down on the handle. The blast went off behind Bobo and Jack Black, who both remained distracted by the chickens. Bobo almost glanced behind him, in reaction to the sound, and Jack Black half-mindedly brushed some debris off his shoulder. But the guards otherwise remained fixated on the chicken's performance.

In the broom closet, Gonzo whispered to Robin, "Now's your chance!"

The young frog hurried across the hall, giving a passing glance to the guards and the display they were watching.

"It's kind of beautiful," Bobo muttered, to an eye-rolling Jack. "You know sometimes, I don't there's supposed to be a meaning. Sometimes you just gotta let art flow over you."

"Finally," Gonzo whispered, "Someone who gets it!"

The closet door suddenly flew opened. Behind Gonzo and Crazy Harry were two new Muppets, who they didn't realize they'd been sharing the closet with. Both were human-esque, one an orange-skinned male with dark hair, the other a cute brunette girl with tan fuzzy fur. Both had disheveled hair and clothes, and both stared at Gonzo and Harry with irritation.

"_Do you mind?"_ the monster-girl snapped in a high-pitched voice. "We had this closet first!"

Gonzo quickly apologized, and he and Harry hurried out of the closet.

"Hey!" Jack Black suddenly broke out of his trance, and pointed across the hall.

Gonzo and Crazy Harry screeched to a halt, as the guard ran towards them. (Bobo remained watching the chicken display.)

Jack stopped sternly in front of the closet, glaring down at the two lovebirds. "Fraternization's against company policy! You two are getting a write-up this time…!"

The male Muppet groaned, "Aw I _knew_ we shouldn't have listened to those Bad Idea Bears, Kate!"

His lover shook her head sadly, as Jack picked up his walkie-talkie to report them.

Relieved, Gonzo and Harry hurried across the hall to join Robin and the rats.

Beyond the blasted door lay a seemingly endless hallway, lined with metal filing cabinets that reached the ceiling.

The tiny frog stared up at the filing cabinets, crestfallen. "I guess they're in alphabetical order…"

Yolanda, a blond rat with too much eye-makeup, stuck one paw in the air. "Alright everybody, split up! The last name we're looking for is 'the Frog.' Probably under 'F.'" Lowering her voice she asked Gonzo, "Right? They don't include the 'the' in last names, do they?"

Gonzo nodded. "Yep. Mine's labeled under 'G' for 'Great.'"

Robin, Gonzo, Crazy Harry and the rats scattered like roaches, and began promptly tearing apart the archives. Robin knew it would be incredibly rude to snoop into the personal family history of complete strangers; but he was young and curious, so he figured he had an excuse. As for the rats, well, they were rats. It was no surprise they would get distracted by all the dirt they could dig up about various co-workers and neighbors. Having them "help" him would probably make the job go _slower_.

"He he, look at this," Rizzo laughed, peeking into a folder labeled "Monster." "Looks like Cookie Monster's got a cousin who's been arrested on fifteen accounts for illegally downloading 'adult films' on his computer…!"

The other rants laughed sadistically.

"Oh wow," Robin said, upon making a discovery of his own. "Peanut the Monkey, assistant of comedian Jeff Dunham, has _links_ with _al-Qaeda?!_"

"Eh, everyone knows that," Bubba the gray rat grunted. "But listen to _this!_" He held up a folder labeled "Operation Snuffleupagus," containing several decades worth of files, with a photograph of a brown wholly mammoth paper-clipped to the top. Bubba read: "'November 18, 1985: We regret ta report that our practical joke of acting like we can't see Big Boid's imaginary friend, Snuffle—Snuff-a-lotta—' eh I can't pronounce that—'must come to an end. It's been a hy-sterical fourteen years, pretendin' we didn't see Big Boid's friend and watchin' him get P. . But child psychologists have brought to our attention that our kid audience might misintoipret this running gag, as a message that their parents won't believe them if they try ta tell them about—' woa," Bubba's usually half-closed eyes widened slightly. "Yeah I can see why that'd be a bad message ta the kids." Closing the folder awkwardly, he asked, "Uh, anybody find Robin's folder yet?"

"I-I-think I found it!" Shakes, the jittery young rat who'd never quiet recovered from having a caffeine substitute tested on him, held up a folder labeled "the Frog."

"That's it!" Robin immediately tossed aside the current folder he'd been reading (about someone named Eureka being fined for practicing magic underage).

Shakes tossed the folder down to Robin, who opened it on the floor. Gonzo and several of the rats gathered around, while the rest watched from the opened drawers they sat on. The Frog family's folder was enormous. _That's just what I get_, Robin thought wearily, _for having over seven thousand aunts and uncles. _Finally, he found the file on himself.

"Here it is!" Robin exclaimed. "Here's my birth certificate!"

He pulled out the large birth certificate, stamped with two tiny flipper prints. (Apparently a frog's birth certificate was filled out when the tadpole stage ended, rather than right after hatching.) His wide eyes raced to the bottom, where it would list his parents' names. It read: _Born to: Deborah the Frog, and _Robin gasped. His father's name was blacked out with permanent marker!

"No!" Robin looked up and down the paper in disbelief.

Gonzo offered, "Maybe we can have Bunsen and Beaker do something with it. Dissolve the Sharpie ink or something."

"Try holdin' it up to the light," Yolanda offered.

"Wait!" a female rat not important enough to have been given an onscreen name pointed at a scrap paper sticking out of the bottom of the folder. "Wait a minute, what's that?"

Robin quickly pulled the scrap paper out. It was an old post-it note, with something sloppily written in pen. _Record of father in Restricted Section_.

"Restricted?" Robin looked around frantically. "Where's the Restricted Section?"

A young male rat who, hadn't ever been named either, squeaked, "Over there, by that giant blinking sign that says 'Restricted Section.'"

Indeed, at the back of the room was an arched doorway, with RESTRICTED SECTION glowing in red neon lights. The doors themselves were metal and futuristic looking. As soon as Robin came within a foot of the door, a robotic voice demanded, "Retinal Scan identification, please." It was clear that only a guard would be able to pass the retinal scanner test. Everyone looked around the door in despair.

"I don't think Harry's gonna be able to blast through this one," Rizzo shook his head regretfully.

Gonzo grimaced. "I don't suppose you guys could chew another hole in the wall?"

A former Pete's Diner rat named Rat Tattooey (no relation to the CGI Disney character) piped up, "My teeth are still soar from blazin' that tunnel to the broom closet!"

The other rats chimed in with agreement.

"Well uh," Gonzo looked once more at Robin. He couldn't let him down now, not when they'd come so far. The thought of turning the little frog back to a life of uncertainty, back to the same horrible childhood Gonzo himself had lived through, was unbearable. "I guess we could _try_ blowing it up…"

Crazy Harry croaked, "Did somebody say 'blow it up?'"

No one had time to take cover before Crazy Harry detonated another bomb. Filing drawers, folders, bricks, Neon letters, rats, Robin, Gonzo, Harry, and Harry's bomb handle flew in all directions, in a cloud of smoke and debris. When the dust cleared, the metal door remained perfectly untouched, but the brick wall around it had been almost completely demolished. Behind the now bare door sat a long empty hall, with a series of red laser beams cutting a thick web through it. At the other end of the hall was a plain wooden door, presumably leading to the restricted files.

Rizzo cursed, "Oh I _hate_ these movies…"

One of the rats offered nervously, "Maybe you just get a little shock, like those red circles in the lab maze?"

Yolanda untied the fashionable, pink scarf from her neck, and gracefully tossed it into the room. The cloth was instantly diced into a thousand pieces.

The group stared in silence.

Finally, Robin said, "I don't have any experience in secret agent traps." His young eyes moved off into the distance, and everyone realized he was beginning a dramatic, inspirational speech. "I don't have a lot of knowledge of the world yet. I don't have wisdom, I don't have strength, and I don't have courage. But one thing I _do_ have…is a straight-A record in gymnastics class!"

Before anyone could stop him, Robin hopped into the air, soaring into the deadly hallway. Everyone gasped, and Gonzo pulled Rizzo close. (Probably just as a substitute for Camilla, who was still busy distracting the two guards outside.) Robin somersaulted flawlessly through the laser beams, cleanly missing each and every one. He made it to the door on the other side, and ran through.

His voice echoed from the other side, "I'm in!...oh hey, what's this switch?"

The lasers vanished.

Hesitantly, the rest of the group followed down the hall, to join Robin in the other room. Going through the little door, they found themselves in a wide warehouse-like room, filled with crates, chests, ancient artifacts, and expensive works of art. They could hardly make sense of the clutter of items; it was like some strange, Muppet antique shop. On a shelf against one wall sat a half-eaten peach, a magic wand with a crescent moon at the tip, and what looked like the shard of some huge purple crystal. Against the opposite wall were several mailing packages, some squashed and others charred, all labeled "Yankerville Parcel Service." In the back of the room was what looked like a futuristic cryo-stasis chamber, opened and empty, with a neon sign reading: BAD IDEA BEARS: _DO NOT OPEN_.

The group slowly walked into the room, passing a row of strange items in glass cases, that none of them paid much attention to: a banana sandwich, on a plate surrounded by lettuce; several treasure chests stuffed with rare gems and Spanish doubloons; a book labeled "A Christmas Carol: Footnotes;" a framed portrait of a frog resembling Kermit, but with a thin mustache, in a fine suit and wide brimmed hat; a rounded diamond the size of a baseball; and a jar of white pills labeled "Instagrow!"

Finally, amidst the piles of junk, Robin found a wooden crate with FROG stamped on the side, and the rats kindly chewed around the lock. Robin hastily threw opened the crate's lid, and pulled out what looked like a treasure chest, locked shut. After Gonzo picked the lock with his nose, they threw that lid opened, only to find _another_ box—this one metal, with a key-code lock. Crazy Harry was the one to get that one opened: after the dust cleared and everyone unplugged their ears, Robin threw that metal lid opened, and finally pulled out a mysterious-looking, black filing folder.

"This is it!" Robin gasped. "I'm gonna find out who my father is!"

"Oh my goodness!" Gonzo leaned over Robin's shoulder, anticipating the discovery. "Rizzo are you seeing this?"

Rizzo was some feet behind them, climbing up an elegant pedestal, sniffing at a cheese-carved bust of a Muppet-styled William Shakespeare. "I think this is real cheese!"

Gonzo rolled his eyes back down to Robin. "Well, are you gonna open it now, or save it for Christmas?"

"I…think I'll open it now."

Slowly Robin opened the folder…

And his felt heart stopped.

Both Robin and Gonzo stared down the file with cringing, half-opened mouths. They were looking at a photo of grimacing frog, identical to Kermit, but for a mole on the right side of his face. The photo was clipped to a file titled, in block letters, CONSTANTINE.

Below the name, read the basic info on the subject:

_Gender: Male_

_Species: Frog_

_Ethnicity: Russian_

_Born: Unknown_

_Father: Unknown_

_Mother: Unknown_

_Siblings: Kermit the Frog…._

The "siblings" section took up the rest of the page. In fact, most of the rest of the document. Robin flipped through the pages frantically, while Gonzo looked on helplessly. Finally, halfway down the last page, the list of siblings ended (with Zachery the Frog). And beneath that…

_Son: Robin the Frog_

_Marital Status: Divorced: formerly married to Deborah the Frog._

"No," Robin shook his tiny head slowly.

Stunned, Gonzo slowly put a blue furry hand on Robin's shoulder, as if anything could offer the poor frog conform now.

In a daze, Robin said quietly, "It feels like the whole world is collapsing around me."

After a long pause, Gonzo, in an equally stunned voice, mumbled, "It's not the whole world. Just this room…I think Rizzo probably set of a booby trap with that cheese statue."

Robin made a soft, acknowledging nose.

Both stood in silence, oblivious to the chunks of ceiling that were falling around them. Finally, Rizzo came up in front of them and screamed, "_GONZO THE ROOM'S COLLAPSING!_"

Gonzo and Robin shook out of their daze, and looked around them.

"Oh great," Gonzo groaned, "It's another Indiana Jones parody."

"I know!" Rizzo shrieked. "Let's get outta here before the arrows start shootin' outta the walls!"

Gonzo and Robin led the stampede of rats out of the warehouse, with Crazy Harry bringing up the rear, dragging his beloved bomb. Robin held the large folder over his head, as if it might somehow protect him from the falling chunks of wood, rock and plaster. As Rizzo predicted, the "arrows from the walls" spoof followed the collapsing ceiling, when the Muppets were running back through that long hallway. Of course, this being a _Muppet_-designed building, all of the booby traps worked with Muppet-styled weapons. Slits in the wall opened up, and outshot hundreds of rubber chickens, with needle-sharp beaks. Rizzo ducked just time, and watched bug-eyed as his baseball cap was cut in half.

As they ran back into the original archives room, Robin commented, "I guess the big rolling boulder is next!"

Rizzo screamed, "_I _hate_ the big rolling boulder!_"

The rubber chickens continued to fire all through the file room. The group came back out into the main hall, where Pepe and the Chickens were still distracting the guards. Pepe was now leading the hens in a dance number from "Swan Lake," while Bobo and the two lovers from the closet applauded, and Jack Black snored loudly. As soon as Robin and his friends exited the file room, a loud rumbling was heard.

"Oh, there's the boulder!" Gonzo pointed joyfully, now enjoying the danger (as usual).

The "bolder" was in fact a giant tomato. But even a tomato was a genuine threat, when it was the size of a boxcar and rolling at 65 miles per hour.

"Hey I remember that thing!" Robin suddenly recalled. "That was Statler and Waldorf's Christmas present to Fozzie a few years back!"

Bobo turned to look where Gonzo was pointing, and Jack Black snorted awake from his nap. The chickens began flapping their wings and swanking madly.

"Camilla, my love!" Gonzo hollered. "I'll save you!"

Without slowing down, Gonzo scooped his feathered lover up in his arms, carrying her romantically down the hall. Pepe, still his tutu, stared bug-eyed at the giant tomato, frozen in shock. Rizzo, screaming his fool head off, scooped Pepe up just as Gonzo had Camilla, without really thinking about it.

The monster Muppet from the broom closet took notice of Gonzo carrying Camilla and Rizzo carrying Pepe, and yelled to her boyfriend, "Princeton, aren't _we_ gonna do something romantic?"

"Uh, sure!" the male Muppet hopped into her arms and wrapped his arms around her neck, screaming bloody murder. His lover sighed.

Panting, Robin asked no one in particular, "What's gonna happen now?"

Bubba the rat answered: "There's only ever one way for a tomato joke to end."

Cackling, Crazy Harry stopped running, turned around, and readied his bomb.

One explosion later, everyone was drenched in tomato sauce.

"Hey, not bad!" Rizzo tossed Pepe behind him with a loud clatter. "Someone get a pot of spaghetti going. I'm just gonna make sure this sauce is good to eat…"

Gonzo sighed, as the rats all began lapping away.

Robin made a grossed-out face, and turned to Jack Black. "Sorry we broke into the top secret Archives, and caused so much property damage. Do I, uh, go straight to juvie hall now? Or do we get a trial?"

Jack Black sighed. "Normally, in situations like this, the most common thing to do," he wiped some tomato sauce off his uniform, and tasted it. "is to just cut to the next scene, and hope the audience doesn't question anything."

* * *

Walter strolled down the street whistling "Life's a Happy Song." He hadn't found any clues yet, but his intuition was telling him that answers weren't far off. That, and the street sign a ways back had clearly read, TURNING PIONT FOR STORY'S PLOT, ½ MILES.

Walter suddenly stopped, and looked down. The sidewalk here was cracked…as if something enormous had fallen over. Maybe someone big enough to squash Clifford, and drown David Hoggselhauff!

"A clue!" the naïve young Muppet whispered to himself.

Looking around, he saw a massive shadow slipping into a nearby alley. _Ah-ha!_ Wow, three chapters in, and Walter had already found the killer! This was going to be a short story after all! Walter hurried into the alley, vaguely aware of the fact that he had absolutely no weapons, and had failed to let anyone know exactly where he was.

The alley stopped at a dead end, with a brick wall and a large opened dumpster. A massive figure was eyeing the wall with disappointment. The figure was clad entirely in black, including a ski mask, hiding his (or her) identity. But all the black clothing in the world couldn't hide his size. Walter could confirm that much at least; the killer was a big individual.

_Unless_…

Unless he was really several smaller people, stacked on top of each other, like Muppet Man!

"Muppet Man?" Walter asked stupidly. "Is that you?"

The figure spun around. His face was completely hidden by the ski mask. There weren't even eyeholes.

"I know you killed Clifford," Walter said defiantly. "didn't you. And I know you got David Hoggslehauff, and Spamela Hamderson, and Gonzo's doctor's henchman. But it's over!" Walter's voice softened. "Listen, I don't wanna resort to violence. Just come with me to the police station, and you won't be—"

Walter gasped, as the figure produced a pistol.

There was a soft crack, as the figure cocked the gun, preparing to shoot. But just as the gun went off, Walter leapt into the air—in slow motion of course—perfectly dodging the bullet. He then ran up one brick wall, "Matrix" style, as the figure fired off his five remaining bullets. Walter finished his vertical jog with a kick that sent the gun clattering into the dumpster.

"Ha-ha!" Walter laughed, posing karate style. "Bet you didn't see _that_ coming!"

The figure slowly cocked his head at Walter.

"Okay," Walter admitted. "The 'Matrix' thing was kind of dated. But so what, it's nostalgic now! Come on!" He delivered a perfect punch to the figure. "Is that all you got?" he laughed triumphantly, before delivering a roundhouse kick. "Look, I realize the one to ultimately catch and expose you should probably be Kermit," he readied himself for another attack. "But he's busy at the _mo_—"

The figure stepped aside, allowing Walter to charge right past him, tumbling into the opened dumpster. The young Muppet shook his head, and began to push himself up. Suddenly, something wrapped tightly around his throat, crushing his felt windpipe. Walter grasped futilely at the thing strangling him. He couldn't tell if it was being done with a rope, a chain, or some other material. Walter continued clawing at the crushing force around his neck, gasping for breath. It seemed almost to have a life of its own, like a snake, or some monster's tentacle. _No, no, this couldn't be happening!_ Surely, after proving his worth as a Muppet regular for two movies, the writers weren't killing him off for good? Walter tried biting at whatever was strangling him—just on the off-chance that it _was_ something like a snake—but his fabric mouth did little damage.

Then, suddenly, there was a searing pain in his chest, alongside the sound of tearing cloth.

* * *

It was nearly dusk when Gary and Mary, Walter's human brother and sister-in-law, reached the alley. They'd spent hours searching for him. He hadn't come over to join them for dinner that night as planned, and no one at the Muppet boarding house had seen him since they'd all rushed Spamela Hamderson to the hospital. After asking around, they'd learned Walter had come to this part of town.

"I'm really worried for him Mary," Gary said. "Walter can be pretty reckless at times."

Mary smiled weakly. "I'm sure he's fine."

But her intuition was telling her otherwise.

"Walter?" Gary called. "Walter?"

"Walter?" Mary shouted across the empty road.

The two of them spend looked around the street in exasperation. There was simply no sign anyone had been here, much less a little Muppet. Well, something had cracked the pavement in the sidewalk; but for all they knew, that had been there since the road's construction.

"Here," Gary pointed to an opened manhole in the street. "Maybe he fell." He jogged over to the manhole and kneeled over it. "Walter?" his voice echoed into the sewers. "Walter?"

Mary's eyes wandered around the area, before landing on a dumpster in a short alley. Hesitantly, she began to approach it. Her "bad feeling" grew into a dreadful certainly, as she stepped into the alley.

In the distance, Gary was still calling his brother's name. "Waaalter? Walter you down there?"

Mary gripped the edge of the dumpster with a shaking hand, and peered inside.

Against the sounds of Gary calling Walter's name, Mary let out a long, blood curdling scream.

* * *

**A/N: I'm worried that I might have given too much away in this chapter. If the killer's identity is obvious to you, I beg you not to give it away in reviews. The more people I surprise the happier I'll be. **


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